Let me tell you about the adventure she had…

…in Africa…  This happens to be a line from a song by singer/songwriter, David Wilcox called “Johnny’s Camaro” which involves Johnny (of course) , his beloved Camaro and his friend Laura who is headed to Africa on an Outward Bound trip.  It’s a delightful musical tale in which Laura, having been dropped off at the airport by Johnny and his Camaro (obviously) has a life changing experience in Africa, comes home and gets a clue about Johnny and, well you know…

No, I didn’t make it all the way to Africa.  I did, however, take an REI Adventures trip in October of 2000 to Zion National Park.  There was no Camaro in my story but there was a Johnny, although he had been gone for two years before my adventure occurred.

I was divorced in December of 1998, 5 months after my husband assaulted me and was arrested.  I don’t believe my husband was a bad person but what he did to me was a bad thing and the deal breaker was that he didn’t get it.  I knew the day that he told me that he was going to plead Not Guilty if they were going to make him go to therapy that our marriage was over.  “It’s not like I blackened your eye or drew blood or anything, Judi” were his words to me and they sent a powerful message on what I needed to do next for myself.

As was my M.O. I threw myself into work.  I was fine.  I was strong and I’d get through this.  I didn’t need any help.  About a year later I crashed and burned.  It was as if God was saying, “Judi, I won’t let you continue to stuff all of your grief.  I’ll be here but you’re going to have to go right through the middle of it.  You can’t sidestep it this time”.

It was about that time that Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s poem, “The Invitation” was floating around the internet.  This excerpt from it hit me like a brick:

“It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.  I want to know if you have touched the center of your  own sorrow; if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it or fix it.”

I realized that I had spent a lifetime of hiding, attempting to fade and generally tiptoeing around painful experiences.  I was well on my way to allowing fear of pain to shut me down.  I hadn’t grieved my father’s death from five years before; I hadn’t grieved the loss of trust caused by the assault; I hadn’t grieved the loss of my marriage; there were other things as well.  The tears and anguish that came pouring out were a gift.  It didn’t seem like it at the time but it was the first step in a long journey towards learning to truly experience joy.  A journey that I’m still on to this day.

My trip to Zion was the first vacation I had ever taken in my life that was just about me and where I wanted to go.  It was a small group of wonderful people and three of the best guides we could have hoped for.  They took us on breathtaking hikes for six incredible days.  We climbed through slot canyons.  I tried my hand at “stemming“, a rock-climbing technique that involves using the opposing forces of your hands and feet to climb up or across narrow slots.  Have I mentioned I’m afraid of heights?  Nevertheless, there’s a bit of the daredevil in me and it looked like too much fun to pass up.  I did okay until my knees started to shake and I nearly lost control of my legs.  I still remember one of the guides laughing, “Hey look, she’s got scissor legs”.  I did manage to make it across without biting the dust but it was touch and go there while I regained control of my shaking legs.

Walter’s Wiggles

One of the most memorable hikes of the week was the hike up Angel’s Landing.  It’s only a 2.4 mile hike but involves a 1488 foot elevation climb.  Part of that is Walter’s Wiggles, a series of 21 steep switchbacks that will definitely get your blood pumping.  Once through that section you can stop to rest at Scout’s Landing before making the last half-mile push to the summit.  It’s not for the faint of heart.  Two of our group declined to make the trip and my fear of heights definitely made a noble attempt to dissuade me.  At that point however, I knew I would regret it the rest of my life if I didn’t make it up the narrow ridgeback to the summit.  The trail is narrow and strenuous with steep drop-offs and often just a chain to hold on to.  It was worth every dizzying step.

Angel’s Landing — the last half mile

As I climbed the words from Johnny’s Camaro ran through my head, “…let me tell you about the adventure she had…”.  The view from the summit was breathtaking.  I remember vividly looking out and reflecting on the rugged beauty and thinking about the storms that had carved out the canyons and over time created all that natural wonder.  It seemed to be a good metaphor for life.  We’ll all go through storms that can seem devastating at the time but great beauty can come out of it if we’re just willing to walk right through the middle of it.

It’s a loooong way down!

We ended our trip with a five hour hike through The Narrows, an awe-inspiring canyon where the Virgin River flows and the only choice is to hike through the water.  Wading through those icy waters I nearly went down more than once, slipping on the river rock beneath my feet.  Ah yes, another metaphor for life.

The Virgin River Narrows

It was the trip of a life time for me; a life-changing experience.  Do I still struggle with fear?  Of course.  But I’ve learned that if I can just walk through it; if I can just risk the adventure — beautiful things can happen.

Namaste…